I think the phenomenon of people “digging in their heels” is poorly understood, and I think there’s an extremely easy fix that would save a lot of people a lot of headache. The situation: Person A needs to do X, for some reason or another. X is unpleasant, or aversive. Perhaps Person A has wronged someone, and needs to apologize (or perhaps a
Advertising that I notice usually makes me less likely to buy the thing. Or, rather, regardless of the net effect, there is a negative effect. I have been disappointed, before, to see something in an advertisement that I suspect I would like to purchase, because "well _now_ I can't buy it!" even if I didn't know about it before.
This post made me think of the political discourse in Israel which very much feels like this. The first example is with the judicial reform from last year, and right now with the question of conscription of Haredim (usually called "ultraorthodox jews"). There's a lot of digging in heels going around, and a lot of brinksmanship.
I think your proposals are relevant for personal situations, I wonder what would be a good approach for political situations.
I'm surprised to see you say the punch bug essay was "just a metaphor". I definitely assumed it meant you would *actually* play punch bug without explicit consent, and that you would not have chosen it as a representative *example* (not "metaphor") if that weren't true
> Action: try asking them (possibly in private/in a sidebar!) something like “hey, just wondering, are you really adamantly opposed to X because you think X itself is somehow bad or the wrong move? Or is it more like, doing X under these circumstances sends the wrong message or leads to something bad?”
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> It’s a disentangling move, a space-creating move. Which is usually precisely what people need, especially if they were already feeling nervous or hesitant about X (i.e. wanting more time to think it through) and the people around them responded by shoving them toward X harder and more urgently.
Assuming they listen to your question, rather than cutting you off or walking away before you get the third word out. Otherwise, the attempted conversation will just show how little they respect you, and, if you try to pressure them into paying attention and reasoning with you, you’ve just given them another matter to dig in their heels about. They will disentangle themself and create space between them and any perceived duty to pay heed to people like you, denying you any reward for your unwelcome behavior.
Advertising that I notice usually makes me less likely to buy the thing. Or, rather, regardless of the net effect, there is a negative effect. I have been disappointed, before, to see something in an advertisement that I suspect I would like to purchase, because "well _now_ I can't buy it!" even if I didn't know about it before.
This post made me think of the political discourse in Israel which very much feels like this. The first example is with the judicial reform from last year, and right now with the question of conscription of Haredim (usually called "ultraorthodox jews"). There's a lot of digging in heels going around, and a lot of brinksmanship.
I think your proposals are relevant for personal situations, I wonder what would be a good approach for political situations.
I'm surprised to see you say the punch bug essay was "just a metaphor". I definitely assumed it meant you would *actually* play punch bug without explicit consent, and that you would not have chosen it as a representative *example* (not "metaphor") if that weren't true
> Action: try asking them (possibly in private/in a sidebar!) something like “hey, just wondering, are you really adamantly opposed to X because you think X itself is somehow bad or the wrong move? Or is it more like, doing X under these circumstances sends the wrong message or leads to something bad?”
>
> It’s a disentangling move, a space-creating move. Which is usually precisely what people need, especially if they were already feeling nervous or hesitant about X (i.e. wanting more time to think it through) and the people around them responded by shoving them toward X harder and more urgently.
Assuming they listen to your question, rather than cutting you off or walking away before you get the third word out. Otherwise, the attempted conversation will just show how little they respect you, and, if you try to pressure them into paying attention and reasoning with you, you’ve just given them another matter to dig in their heels about. They will disentangle themself and create space between them and any perceived duty to pay heed to people like you, denying you any reward for your unwelcome behavior.